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Rabu, 04 September 2013

Note to myself to reread it when I'm turning 30 years old

MIKA, POP UP XL 89 (September 2013) - AN OPEN LETTER TO MY OLDER SELF (TURNING THIRTY)

Illustration by DaWack

On the eve of my 30th birthday, I decided to write an open letter to my older self. I can not read this letter again until the eve of my 80th birthday.

Dear Mika, I hope this finds you well. I have no idea where in the world you will be when you read this. My life so far has been made up of so many twists, turns and contradictions, that there is no way of predicting where or how you will be. For starters, I just hope you are alive! Even if the world has become a terrible or hostile place, without water and without seasons, I still hope you’re in it. Not because I want to maintain my presence for as long as possible, but just because I’m curious and you’re my only way of finding out.

You may wonder why I’m writing this, but the reason is quite simple. A lot of noise is made about someone turning 30. Yes, you can laugh, you’re about to turn 80. The only reason why I think we care is that childhood along with adolescence has been eroded. The normal transitions of life before adulthood don’t exist any more. We live a sort of ‘kidulthood’ for far too long and suddenly we hit 30 and have no more excuse. A 30 year old, a hundred years ago, was approaching the twilight era. You however, at 80, are probably not even considered old any more. I wonder how your health is and how long you might actually live? 100? 120? Perhaps you live in an augmented reality, which covers up all the destruction of the last 100 years. I hope that’s not the case. I hope things are still green and there is still winter and summer. What scares me the most, is that now as I turn 30, I don’t believe things as basic as seasons and fresh air are guaranteed in the future.

As those around me have been making a fuss about my 30th, this is my retaliation. As a boy, the only secret power I ever wanted was to freeze time. In order to relish a little longer in moments I loved and to reap vengeance on those who hurt me. This is me freezing time just for a moment. Like a capsule or a message in a bottle. Beyond that I don’t care about my age, as long as I am free.

I am writing this from the basement of my house in London’s World’s End. There’s a car engine outside making noise. My mother has just popped over to have a cup of tea and my dog is asleep in the corner. They will all be gone when you read this. I have never faced death, you have. How lucky you must think I am to have those I love around me in the flesh. Don’t romanticise too much however. They are not so perfect up close you know? So far I have seen terrible things happen to people I love dearly, but I’ve never lost any of them. You have and I’m sorry for the pain it caused you. I’m sure you’ve made some pretty amazing friends though. Not just the glamorous famous ones. Those ones I know already, come and go so fast, but real friends. I hope they are strange and keep you weird. Please stay weird.

In the world right now, the US and the UK are spying on us and no one can do anything about it. Even Obama is unable to take a hard line on the subject. The Middle East is in turmoil and the incredible city of Aleppo which you visited at 25 is pretty much destroyed. In Russia, the government is turning viciously and bizarrely anti gay, as a result of the bigotry of the powerful orthodox church, but marriage in Europe and America is looking positive. Except in Italy, God knows about that! I wonder if you have children and how you got those, as I already know for sure that you haven’t hooked up with a chick. I hope you have kids, I hope they look like me. And what about Music!? OH GOD I wish I knew what that would sound like in the future.

I could go on for ever, but I must stop. Please remember, we are not so different you and I. If you read this, and do not recognise the hand or the voice, something has gone terribly wrong. If you feel a little embarrassed, that’s OK. In the words of Doris Day, “che sera sera”. That’s true, but I can’t help but feel, that in the chaos of cause and effect that forms our future, the tiny action of writing this letter might change something further down the line. One thing, I hope your not bald, if so, wear a hat.

With all the love in the world,
You x

Jumat, 12 Juli 2013

First chapter

Semua ada awal...

Ini sudah tahun ketiga ku tanpa kamu, tanpa kita. Tahun ketiga pula yang kulewati dengan lelaki yang bergantian menemaniku dipagi hari. Tahun ketiga yang coba ku biasakan melewati lima tahun bersama mu, bersama kita.

Ingin rasanya aku menghitung jumlah napas yang terlewati tanpamu, tanpa kita. Tapi, bagaimana caranya? Dalam satu menit aku bernapas 40 kali, coba aku kalikan ke hitungan jam, ke hitungan hari, ke hitungan minggu, ke hitungan bulan, ke hitungan tahun. Hasil akhirnya akan ku kalikan tiga. Hasilnya saja berupa angka. Terlihat mudah, kan? Andai saja hitungan rindu menjadi semudah itu. Jangan kau tanyakan padaku bagaimana menghitung kenangan.

Kenangan selalu membentuk awal. Awalnya ada aku, kafe sebagai tempat awal, dan kamu yang duduk sendiri di pojok titik-buta dari tempat dudukku. Di penghujung senja hujan turun dan aku terjebak tak bisa pulang. Jujur saja aku sedikit kedinginan saat itu. Ku teruskan membaca buku The Stranger karya Albert Camus. Walaupun aku sudah hapal semua kata dalam buku tersebut, aku tetap menikmatinya.

Ini sudah kopi kedua ku, bukannya merasa hangat aku malah merasa sedikit mual. Sialan, seharusnya aku pesan brandy tadi. Ku letak kan buku itu di atas meja, kalau ku lanjutkan bisa-bisa aku akan muntah. Sambil bersandar disofa tempat dudukku, aku memejamkan mata. Aku ingat nasihat ibu ku untuk mengambil napas panjang dan menahannya hingga hitungan kelima jika aku merasa tak sehat. Pada hitungan ketiga kau datang menyapaku yang sedang terpejam.

"Kau tau, kau terlihat putus asa. Bisa-bisa orang-orang akan mengira kau akan bunuh diri", itu sapaan awal mu. Memang bukan sapaan yang manis. Aku yang sedikit kesal dengan kehadiranmu yang memutuskan hitungan napasku, menjawab dengan ketus "ya, orang-orang yang terlalu sibuk mencampuri urusan orang lain akan berpikir seperti itu". Kau tersenyum simpul saat itu, "maaf jika terlihat mencampuri. Kau hanya butuh segelas brandy untuk menghangatkan badanmu". Saat itu juga aku baru menyadari kau membawa dua gelas. Aku yakin sekali itu isinya brandy. "Tenang saja, brandy ini tidak kucampur dengan apa pun. Kalau kau tidak percaya, aku akan memesankan yang baru untukmu", ujarmu sambil duduk didepanku tanpa permisi. Sudahlah, meja ini terlalu besar untuk ditempati oleh dua cangkir kopi, pikirku. Akhirnya, aku mengambil segelas brandy yang kau letakkan dihadapanku. "Kau mudah percaya pada orang asing ya? Ku kira kau akan menolak tawaran minuman ini", tanyamu sambil memandangku takjub.

Sengaja kubiarkan kau menunggu jawabanku hingga brandy hampir habis. "Kau tau, dikeluargaku ada resep untuk meminum brandy jika ada yang demam. Jadi aku sudah mengenal brandy mana yang sudah dicampur atau tidak. Lagipula, pekerja kafe tidak akan membiarkanmu untuk berbuat macam-macam padaku. Aku salah satu pelanggan setia mereka", jawabku akhirnya. "Kau benar-benar penuh perhitungan seperti Camus", pujianmu membuatku terkejut karena kau mengetahui pengarang favoritku. Dari situ, pembicaraan kita mulai menghangat.

Kau bilang kau baru saja sampai di kafe itu sepuluh menit sebelum aku masuk ke dalam untuk memesan kopi. Kau bilang dari awal tampangku sangat mudah untuk terus diperhatikan oleh orang lain. Aku yang merasa penampilanku biasa saja langsung mengatakan "jangan-jangan kau yang menjadi sangat suka memperhatikan orang lain karena dirundung bosan setengah mati". Lagi-lagi kau tersenyum dan mengatakan bagaimana mungkin kau dirundung bosan ketika hanya berjeda sepuluh menit.

Kau berkata bahwa manusia itu acap kali disamakan dengan animal (binatang) bukan tanpa sebab. Lalu, kau melanjutkan bahwa binatang itu mengeluarkan bebauan khasnya jika berada di dekat binatang lainnya. Bau itu entah menandakan mengancam jangan didekati atau menarik untuk didekati. Dan aku, masih lanjutmu, berada di antara jangan didekati dan didekati. Kau pun mengaku bingung, kebingungan yang membuatmu memberanikan diri mendekatiku. Hal yang misterius memang menarik, ujarmu. Aku terkejut dengan keberanianmu. "Kalau begitu, kau ini termasuk gagal dalam membaui aku sebagai lawan jenismu. Kalau kau percaya dengan logika bau-bauan tersebut, seharusnya hanya dua hal. Didekati atau tidak didekati, tidak ada pilihan ketiga. Atau jangan-jangan insting kebinatangan yang kau percayai itu sudah tumpul". Kau terdiam dan meneguk kembali brandy mu.

"Tidak, insting ku tidak tumpul. Perkataan kau tadi sudah menjelaskan. Kau pintar dan mengatakannya dengan jujur. Kau menyampaikannya walaupun itu sedikit kasar. Kita baru saja berbincang dan kau sudah bisa berpendapat terbuka, seakan kita sudah lama saling mengenal. Hey, tentu saja kejujuran itu kasar. Mungkin itu sebabnya orang-orang takut dengan kebenaran", katamu. Di akhir kalimat itu pula brandy kedua gelas dimeja habis. Malam semakin larut, dan bartender sudah membersihkan meja bar bertanda akan tutup

L'amour dans le mauvais temps - MIKA

L'amour dans le mauvais temps

Nous y voilà, toi et moi sur notre sommet
ces deux montagnes de fierté à soulever
a qui la faute, celle qu'on se rejette chaque fois
le premier qui saute sera-t-il le fou, le roi ?
après nous le déuge
se laisser tomber
dévaler jusqu'à un refuge, jusqu'à s'oublier

mon amour personne à l'horizon
plus que le temps assasin
personne ici, il n'y a plus de saisons
pourquoi écouter en vain la météo cruelle
moi j'aime autant
faire l'amour dans le mauvais temps

nous voilà bien, à guetter le premier qui glisse
et brisera le lien, assis au bord du précipice
on apprendra
y'a que le montagnes qui ne se rencontrent pas
bien trop fières pour faire un seul pas
après nous le déluge
se laisser tomber
dévaler jusqu'à un refuge, jusqu'à s'oublier

mon amour perosnne à l'horizon
plus que le temps assasin
personne ici, il n'y a plus de saisons
pourquoi écouter en vain la météo cruelle
moi j'aime autant
faire l'amour dans le mauvais temps

Everytime I listen to this song, my heart beats faster.

Kau tau rasanya kehilangan kata-kata yang sudah di ujung lidahmu? Sementara, kata-kata itu mendesak untuk keluar dan meluapkan perasaan yang membuncah di hatimu.

Sesak, kah? Tapi kau tak ingin menghentikan rasa sesak itu. Melalui sesak itu kau bernapas dengan perlahan, menghargai tiap hembusan napas tercekat mu.

Kau tidak mengerti apa yang terjadi, tapi kau candu terhadap kealpaan itu. Kau hanyut dalam suatu yang bisa saja membunuhmu. Tapi kau biarkan, karena kau menikmati perasaan tramendum itu.

Bunuh diri? Bukan. Kau menari menjelang penghujung. Indah

Kamis, 06 Juni 2013

Time flies, friends changed

Kemarin saya ketemu dengan teman-teman lama. Suasana yang sebaiknya diisi dengan melepas rindu ini, entah kenapa bagi saya, tidak sehangat pertemanan yang pernah ada. Tidak, saya tidak menyalahkan mereka. Bisa saja saya yang terlalu sensitif. Biasalah, tipe Taurus (malah nyalahin zodiak).

Saya akan menceritakan sedikit kronologisnya. Sore itu, saya dan teman-teman lainnya berjanji untuk ketemu. Kita semua sudah sekitar setahun tidak bertatap muka. Saya datang 15 menit lebih lama dari waktu yang dijanjikan. Ada beberapa pekerjaan yang tidak bisa ditinggalkan karena masa depan saya menyenggol pekerjaan ini. Toh, agaknya menunda melampiaskan rindu sudah menjadi kebiasaan. Sesampainya ditempat yang ditentukan, saya hanya melihat 3 dari 15 yang berjanji hadir. Mereka terlambat juga, pikir saya.

Tak perlu menunggu lama, mereka semua hadir. Pembuka obrolan selalu menanyakan keadaan. Pertanyaan basa-basi sebenarnya, tapi entah kenapa menimbulkan efek bahagia bagi saya. Setidaknya pertanyaan basa-basi itu menciptakan delusi berbentuk keperhatian. Tetapi, delusi cepat dihancurkan ketika pertanyaan umum selanjutnya adalah masalah pekerjaan. Oke, kita semua memang berada di tahap umur untuk bekerja.

Anehnya, itu bukan pertanyaan basa-basi. Obrolan malah terus bergulir di seputar pekerjaan (perusahaan bergerak dibidang apa, kerjaannya apa saja, gajinya berapa, kelakuan boss atau teman sekantor yang seenaknya). Saya tetap menjawab pertanyaan-pertanyaan tersebut untuk "menjaga" komunikasi. Padahal, saat itu juga saya berpikir "are they really my friends?". Hal-hal yang mereka bicarakan itu hal yang baru datang dalam pertemanan ini. Simplenya, masalah pekerjaan itu seharusnya diletakkan (bahkan harus dibuang) jauh-jauh ketika kita berada dalam lingkaran teman.

Lelaki saya selalu bilang, "letakkan semuanya di luar karena kita sedang ada di rumah". Maksudnya adalah mencampurkan dua situasi pada satu keadaan malah akan memperburuk keadaan. Coba bayangkan (ini masih penjelasan lelakiku), salah satu dari kita menceritakan satu hal yang tidak dialami secara bersama-sama, akankah ada pemahaman? Tentu saja, tidak ada. Jikapun ada, itu tak lain hanya satu pemaksaan agar pasangannya senang. What kind of relationship is that?

Kembali ke pertemuan saya dengan teman-teman. Kami berbincang berjam-jam. Tapi 3/4 dari jam yang terlewatkan hanya berputar pada pekerjaan. Pada saat itu, saya merasa tak mengenal mereka lagi. Pada saat itu, saya berkata dalam hati "Pertemanan kita selama bertahun-tahun, sudah tidak ada lagi kah kenangan yang ingin dibagi bersama?"

Senin, 20 Mei 2013

MIKA live in Jakarta review

I know it's too late to review MIKA live in Jakarta concert. It was on May 10th. I need time to calm myself down after the concert. I felt shock in positive and negative. Feeling two contradiction in yourself is enough to fuck you up. Okay, let's review it.

As you know, I'm addicted to MIKA. I've never been so over addicted intellectually (not like fangirling) to any singer man. I had waited his concert in my country for years. That's why, when I heard he would come, I bought the ticket without any considering about the price. There was two kind of prices, Rp.900k (closest to stage) and Rp.750k (not too close to stage). Of course you know which ticket I bought ;) . I bought it 2 months before his concert. Yeah, I was super excited.

At first plan, it would be held on Saturday 11st May. One month before the concert, suddenly the date had changed to May 10th. I don't know why it had changed, some rumours said it was because at May 11st there would be Aerosmith concert (later, Aerosmith cancelled their concert, 5 days before the concert!). I was still  excited, for me it was good because it meant I would see his concert faster.

MIKA arrived in Jakarta on May 8th at 4 PM. None of his fans could reach airport at that time, because promoters didn't tell us earlier. They told us 2 hours before he arrived. Yeah, if they acted profesionally, they would tell us not 2 hours earlier (they live in Jakarta, they KNOW how crazy the traffic jam is). Or if they really not wanted to tell us about the arrival, they could shut their mouth up. On same date, at night (about 8-9 PM), there was press conference about the concert with MIKA himself. My prediction, he was just arrived from airport but he already looked so fresh (jet lag isn't his problem, I think). The promoters said he would perform on X Factor Indonesia, right after the concert. He looked shock enough. He said he didn't know it, but with smile he said "it means I will be in hurry after the concert". Somehow I felt sarcasm in his voice. Promoters said the performance on X Factor wouldn't disturb the duration of the concert. Too late, at that time I knew they lied.

Jump to May 10th,  it was  9AM
and I was already on train to Skeeno Hall (Gandaria City). The concert itself, based on schedule, will started at 8 PM. I met some of friends who like MIKA, all of us were be in same section (closest to stage). After changed the ticket, I had to find Jassmin. She's from Malaysia and we had contacted before to see MIKA together. I found her on Skeeno Hall. So I went upstair with Sherly to pick her up. There, I saw her was questioning the bodyguards, the promoters about the check sound, where MIKA would come and out, and about the backstage. It was normal for me, because based on my knowledge about MIKA concert, the promoters even his management were so nice to the fans. So I and Sherly started to ask too. But, this time we didn't have a clue. Plus, they answered unfriendly and bad intonation. Fucking seriously, I've been to many concert, and this time it's really bad. From outside, I know Skeeno Hall isnt too big but the securities, the promoters were everywhere. It was overrated.

So, I, Sherly, and Jassmin went down and waited in the line. There were only 8 fans. So, Jassmin started to think that we have to find where Mika would come and out. With over-security, he and his band were impossible to across the usual way. Jassmin, kak Ocha, Hans and his friend, went away to find the way. The rest of us, waited in the line to keep our position. In case, it would be more fans will come and we will lose our line. But we made a mistake.

The queue wasn't decrease much even it already 4.30 PM. The Jassmin team was still find a way, and I started to feel sad, "seriously, is it just us who show the enthusiasm? What if Mika see the line?". At that time, Asti asked sign from people (who already in the line) on banner that she made a night before the concert. While waiting in the line, we discussed how come the promoters giveaway tickets that much. They made quizzes, the winners could come with a friend. We also discussed how "meet up with Mika" contest was just a lie. I was almost in tears knowing MIKA with the unprofessional promoters.

About 5.30 PM, the gate was open. Jassmin and team were back, and they said the might found that way. they weren't sure, but we had to try it. Thirty mins before the gate was open, some people in the line maybe saw policies with gun went upstair to clean area. I said "fucking seriously, gun for concert? They might hide in hall to make it works. Who knows there will be snipers too?".

About 7.45 PM, we all were in hall. The stage was not sooo MIKA. There were 2 big screens, on left and right of stage. At 8 PM, MIKA wasn't on the stage yet. Just mechanistic checked the instruments. At 8.15, still was no MIKA. The big screens kept repeating the promoter ads. So far, I know MIKA is perfectionist. He couldnt be late. Bit bored and worried, we started calling MIKA. And 8.25 he came out. Frankly, no smile. Oh God, people started yelling, clapping, etc. And I was just there, shivering. Finally, I saw him. I didn't cry, I couldn't.

I started dancing and singing all along. I forgot to take a pic. He knows how to perform. He knows we've waited him. Just one word: perfect.

At 9.50 PM, he and his band showed appreciate to us. It meant, it'll over. We did encore, not because he was great but cmon less than 2 hours concert, seriously? They came out, and just sang Lollipop. And it was really over.

So, we went to rooftop. Jassmin and team thought its the way for MIKA. At rooftop, we saw more.securities saw us curiously. They acted normally, pretended no one would coming from there. Logically, if nothing will happen why they (tried) to act normally? They didn't know the power of fans.

We waited about 30 mins, finally the promoters asked securities to block our way! Each of us had 2 securities! That's, my friends, I called it moron. Finally, MIKA out and realized us. He came to us!!

****what happened to us and MIKA, I wont tell it. That's our memorable moment****

And finally, he popped in to car. He looked tired but he must perform on X Factor. Somehow, I feel MIKA regretted he left the concert for this singing stupid competition.

We're just lucky people who met him at rooftop.

I hope, next time MIKA will come again and have a good time here. I hope at that time, he won't with these shitty promoters.

P.s: one of X Factor contestant ruined his song. TWICE!

Sabtu, 06 April 2013

He was bored...

Graham Coxon said it.
You have my intention, now.
Well done, Sir, well done.

Minggu, 31 Maret 2013

Taman Impian

Gelap, lelap, terhisap
Sesak, desak, terinjak
Ragu, sedu, termangu
Diam....

Gelap, lelap, menghisap
Sesak, desak, menjejak
Ragu, laju, melagu
Hidup....

Kita semua bertemu dipersimpangan terbiasa yang berbisa.
Mencari taman bernama nyaman

Rabu, 20 Maret 2013

Tentang Diam yang Berdetak Rindu

+ Kau bertanya pada ku seperti apa rasanya rindu.
- Aku tak tau, jawabku, yang aku tau setiap kali aku merasakannya hatiku bertalu gebu.
+ Sesak kah? tanyamu lagi.
- Benar, tapi hanya ini cara yang aku tau untuk berdetak.
+ Tak ingin kah kau menyepi sejenak?, tanyamu perlahan.
- Menyepi? Coba kau sebutkan tempat yang benar-benar sepi tanpa suara yang bersemi, tanya ku sambil senyum tertahan.
+ Kau terdiam.
- Aku menghitung jeda hingga ke bilangan enam.
+ Tak ada, jawabmu dengan mata terpejam.


+ Bahkan sejak manusia berselimutkan rahim, suara sudah bertandang tanpa henti.
- Ibu mengelus perut menenangkan bayi yang menendang. Bayi diam menurut seiring gesekan kulit terdengar di kuping.
+ Ketika meluncur menghirup udara, bayi dipaksa untuk menangis hingga airmata tercucur dan suara terdengar melacur.
- Ingin ini-itu tanpa mengenal kata tertata, bayi yang kini balita, harus menjeritkan bunyian melalui suara.
+ Pada masa sederhana, suara selalu terdengar berharga tanpa merana.
- Maksud mu? tanyaku seakan pembicaraan hilang arah
+ Tak sadar kah kau semakin berusia manusia semakin mengeluarkan suara yang penuh amarah? Mereka marah karena hidup tak sesederhana dan semengerti ketika diri diselimuti rahim yang bersemayam. Hidup semakin gerah.
- Ya, sekarang dunia terlalu bising hingga berujung pening. Semua berlomba bersuara, hingga suara membuat pekak. Lalu, siapa yang akan tersentak?


- Lalu, haruskah rindu menjadi ruang diam?
+ Bukan kah kau sendiri yang mengatakan bahwa tak ada yang benar-benar sepi walaupun kita cari hingga ke tepi?
- Ya, aku tetap pada kalimat ku. Toh rindu ini juga yang menandakan aku berdetak



Kamis, 31 Januari 2013

Love Letter

This is what I wrote
Wrote it just for you 
It's not only about words
I'm sending the message to you.
It is created of sand
Wind, wave, and shiny sun
I hope it is done
And sail the message away to you
This is where the sand
Never been a time
And this is where the love I painted
It's only about you
It's the shiny sun that I kept from summer love
With every breath you took
I want to see it flows
It wishes it was in the sea tonight
And I blew it with every words
Just to make it sure it sails
I hope you will read
And keep it in your life box



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Mengenai Saya

Foto saya

I always asking about Who am I. What's life and what for. I never know who I am and it makes me know that I never know the other. And finally, life is all about pain. And the pain is about the process. Life is how, not what.